(from page 121)

Eventually, composure triumphed, leaving Whizzer standing with his pants down, shirt pulled up, showing us the Whizzinator minus most of the penis, which lay where I’d dropped it. An ingenious device for cheating on drug tests, the Whizzinator is a snug-fitting undergarment with an utterly realistic prosthetic penis supplied by a bag for clean urine that nestles against the skin to maintain body temperature. (See Model 1) Whizzer had filled the bag with fake blood, and pulled off the bleeding aspects like only he could.

"I bought it just for you," he said to me. "But I never dreamed I’d have you goin’ like that. It was a simple experiment to prove my theory that you’re too serious. You’re all no, I can’t smoke any sugar, we’ve got too much to do — no, can’t drink port, gotta get up early. You’ve gotten really impacted. How many times do you live? What’s worth being so serious about?"

Though I’d witnessed scores of Whizzer’s experiments, even helped run some of them, this was my first time as guinea pig. Being manipulated and put on the spot rankled me a bit, proving even further that I was too serious. Impacted as a geriatric invalid living on cheese and stewed prunes. There was only one way to smooth myself out of this situation. "Let’s retire to your dome for sugar," I said, "and a taste of port...."

Model 1